Some days it's easier, I must say...
Some days I can float
in the hot humid air
and flick sweat off my chest
and laugh about it.
Some days I can laugh to
the beats of crickets and
wink at the hoppers
and sigh about it.
Some days too
I'll wear
the sun's chorus
and dance in sunflower gardens
and cry about it.
But other days my laughs are something like
senility and sighs are oh so heavy.
My cries are volcanoes destructive and hot.
What is the matter
says they
because all that can be seen and heard for miles is a quietness.
The quietness silences me.
I lie on my cotton balled afro.
The concrete toasting my feet and my breath sighs, hot and bubbly.
Don't they see the heaviness and sulfur and fallen soldiers?
They must know, thinks I.
For it's not a secret.
I wear my sadness on my shoulders.
In my bones and in my levers. It moves me, anchors me.
So they must know,
they know. I am not guardian of my sadness.
Anyone can enter.
The heaviness clog up
my tears
in the nape of my throat.
But it leaks through
in bits and increments
Like sweat but worse
because
It's heavy and hot and silent
It chokes me on the boiling pavement floor
This poem is written about the moments I am surrounded by people that I love and consider my closest friends and yet feel lonely, exasperatedly so. At times I feel like I exist, but no one sees me. Some days I am quite fine by this. Existing without being seen has its upsides to be quite honest. But other days my sadness seeps through and I express my sadness by crying in private and not speaking (basically shutting down, (how mature of me!)) in public.
I'm also a Cancer Sun and Aquarius Moon, so that means that I feel a lot but I keep my feelings in my head a lot and sometimes expect others to read my mind, read my feelings. So, this is obviously where a lot of my problems stem from, I expect people to already know what I'm feeling which birthed the line Don't they see the heaviness and sulfur and fallen soldiers?
They must know, thinks I.
Ultimately, my sadness eats away at me, holds me and makes me feel cornered. So yeah, that's my poem :)
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